Hey guys! I know I haven't been very active lately, and well that's for several reasons. Of course I have school work, but that has never stopped me from wasting time on the computer. Recently I was grounded for a month and it gave me time to think over my punishment.
It wasn't one of my brightest moments, and I deeply regret even the thought of what happened. Although I'd really rather not talk about what happened, I'll tell you that I am not allowed on Kohl's premises for a year. That and the month restriction, and the latter is now over.
The reasons behind my dull moment was that I thought I was dying. Of cancer.
I've had this strange bump on my back for a year now, and I didn't know how to tell my parents. I started to shy away from really everything, until this event. My parents were greatly disappointed that I had kept it a secret for so long, but it didn't stop them from scheduling a doctor's appointment. When we got to the doctor I explained how long I had the bump on my back and how had gone over the course of a year. She took a look and measured the bump (3in. by 3 1/2in.), and said that it was a lipoma, or a fatty mass underneath my skin that means no harm. The doctor said that it was a little concerning how fast it grew over a year, but said it wouldn't be any trouble to remove it.
Also, last year was a year of death for me. Not just my own fear of dying, but it felt like everyone around me was dropping like flies. My friend Megan committed suicide last year, September 16th, after running away. She overdosed on her depression medication and jumped in front of a car. My parents didn't tell me the day of because it was late when they found out, they told me the next morning when I woke up for school. Then I had to call my friend and tell her that Megan was dead. Neither of us went to school that day. Or the next.
Afterwards I was delicate at the mere mention of passing on, only to face the worst possible opponent.
I had signed up for Drivers Ed, a class that was supposed to teach me safe driving skills and rules of the road. I couldn't have been any fucking unluckier. My teacher kept fatality counts on car accidents, brought in guests speakers who talked about death, and even showed us numerous footage of fatal car crashes. By the end of the term no one wanted to drive, and I heard several people say, 'How about I just not drive?'
But it only got worse; I started noticed a common phrase people said when they disagreed with others.
"Go kill yourself"
Wow, I must have gone to the counselor's office 20 times in the span of a month because of those hurtful words I heard almost everyday.
How does this tie to the present, you might ask? (if you read this far
Because I'm done with death.
I'm done with being scared.
I'm tired of being scared that everyone is dying around me.
Because they aren't, and I'm not dying either.
I am alive, and I'm going to make a difference.